08-29-03 - 21:05
I have been having nightmares.
The other night I was blind. I could only see shapes and colors. Suddenly my sight returned, and I was staring at a man. He stared back at me, and lunged at me violently. I heard a boom then I woke up.
I didn't sleep much that night.
Then last night I had to do surgery on myself. In two days, I said, I'll gut myself and be done with it. My husband was fine with it. It took me to the day I was supposed to do it to realize I was going to kill myself. And everyone that loved me was okay with that.
And then there's the one where I am in a supermall. The excalator is supposed to have a track, but instead it turns into a slide all the way down twenty to thirty stories, and I find I am spiraling down without anything to catch me. It's a kind of difficult to explain. It's a kind of self-torment.
And these nightmares are persistent. For two years.
I finally get the nerve to ask for help and the lawyer advises against it. Too many people connected. Too much of a dirty network. Too much potential for disaster.
My disaster, my potential.
