11-19-03 - 10:44
I don't know if I'm inspired or just feeling pressure to write since it's been about 2 weeks.
It's snowing big, thick flakes today.
I don't think I'll be leaving the house today.
I put my daughter in the snow to take a picture this morning. She was bundled up, and I changed her clothes and dried her off afterwards, but when i was doing it I felt like it was child abuse. She was so cold, so alone there on the lawn with me above her and my camera.
I might take my old job back. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. But simply put, I want to be married to Ben, and be in this family.
Right now I feel like I'm married to my job. The money is good, better then I'll get back at my old job. But so what? Money is money and there's no changing that. $$CHA ching. Random annoying chunks of babble.
We watched Daddy Day Care last night and laughed. We watched The Matrix Reloaded the other night and I couldn't stand it.
Except the parts where neo was superman. That was pretty cool.
But I am getting old. Old in my body, old in my brain.
Was it brain damage from my seizure and hypoxia from near-death nine months ago?
Was it childbirth?
Was it my sister flipping over the edge of reason?
I don't know. But suddenly I am parental. Not just a parent, but parental.
In the end I've decided that i am one of those women that had I been brought up in the 50's, I would have sought a man to marry and procreate with not because I had no choice, but because I was inclined.
I am not as creative or inspired as I once thought. But that's okay for now.
I'm called to serve and give up the ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
and that feels good
But I have to remember to get some me time
sometimes.
ME
that word even looks annoying!
