08-27-04 - 07:48
It's been five weeks
get over it!
You would think I would be just fine
to see me at work, at play
I seem better than fine!
fine! fine! fine! fine!
Oh I am fine, really, but I am achey
I miss the feeling inside
I was supposed to be six months pregnant now
I was supposed to be quitting my job
putting my feet up
being a mom
I was supposed to be complaining about back pain
and feeling like I was 40 weeks
because they were twins
I should have been shopping for boy clothes
because we found out they were boys
on our ultrasound date
which should have been thursday
the twenty-second
I should have already named them by one kick
and then another
I'm not supposed to be here
this shouldn't be happening
I shouldn't have to change the litterbox
I shouldn't be able to drink wine
But I do, and I yearn to a lot
I should not have had to deliver my dead babies into their father's arms
I shouldn't have a shoebox of memories
I should be planning a baby shower
I shouldn't have to watch my pregnant sister
approach the 15 week mark
and think "I have to do that all over again, and it could end again without a live person"
I shouldn't have to say goodbye to the dream
of not only having twins
but having MY twins. My boys.
Here I am though. Ragged from grief.
Weary, resentful.
Angry that my husband won't talk
Sad that everyone else can go on.
and on.
I am good at the charade
but a quiet moment for me
is never quiet
Inside my head I am shouting
this isn't happening!!!!!!!!!!!
as I shower
and look at my deflated belly
and long for the rounded bulge
that once held my dreams
I become the streams of water
tearing down my face
asking why a thousand times
won't bring them back
