10-14-04 - 11:33
I'm feeling haunted
I am dreaming almost realities nightly
I am a commercial, because I think I have that crippling, debilitating anxiety
But to look in my windows, you would see a happy, lucky, much-blessed life
I know it's in my head
it's all in my head!
My friend told me it doesn't matter that you're babies died, you would probably be having mood swings anyway, get used to it. There's no cure for it.
That's scarier than the anxiety!
But then I tend to think: Yeah, it's probably hormonal.
And then I get pissed, because I shouldn't be PMSing, I should be 8 months pregnant!
The other day though, I did have a sigh of relief because a mom came into the clinic with her twins for shots and her 3 year old daughter. That would have been me! And I was thinking *whew* dodged that bullett! Am I a bad person for thinking that?
Does God not trust me with anymore little lives because I'm already mediocre with the daughter i have?
That's on one hand.
On the other, I love my job, my house, my husband, my daughter, and I have lots of plans this month.
I am beginning to wish I was never un-busy. It takes too much energy to do nothing.
